21 September 2010

How to be a Braves troll in these difficult times

So you're a diehard fan of the Atlanta Braves, and you're looking for a way to express it.  You're obviously not doing it by attending the games, so you decide that the best way to do it is to troll sites populated by Phillies fans.  Things are going great for a while, but then, oh no!  It looks like your beloved Bravos blew a 7-game division lead and now trail the Phillies by 5 in late September.  Not only is the division almost certainly out of reach, but there's a significant chance your team won't even make the playoffs as a wild card.  What do you do now?  Do you slink off into the shadows to lurk until the Braves are good again, whenever that happens to be?  Do you sheepishly admit you underestimated the Phillies?  Do you angrily rant about Bobby Cox's managing decisions, or a GM who traded away all your good young talent for a bunch of broken-down castoffs?

No, of course not.  You keep right on trolling.  Who cares if your team shit itself and died?  But wait?  Don't know how?  X-Ray Blues is here to help.

How to make a Braves troll post:

First, select your excuse.

A. Citizen's Bank Park is a bandbox that turns pop flies into home runs
B. The umps were blatantly favoring Halliday
C. Of course they won.  They're buying a championship, just like the Yankees.
D. The Braves are taking it easy because they have the wild card locked up.
E. The Braves were still shaken by the fan running on the field last night.

Second, select your rationalization.

A. I don't care because my real passion is the Bulldogs/Falcons/Thrashers/Hawks (ok, I've never seen those last two)
B. I don't care because Atlanta is warm in the winter
C. I don't care because Philadelphia is dirty and has crime
D. I don't care because girls in Atlanta are hot/girls in Philadelphia are ugly/both
E. I don't care because everyone in Philadelphia is a jerk.
F. I don't care because the Braves won a bunch of division titles during the Clinton administration.

Third, select your boast:

A. The Braves will win tomorrow
B. The Braves will win the next series
C. The Braves will beat you in the playoffs
D. The Braves will beat you next year
E. The Braves won a bunch of division titles during the Clinton administration.

Add some convoluted apologetics for the most racist nickname this side of "Redskins":

A. It's actually a gesture of respect
B. It's 100 years old, so it deserves a grandfather clause*
C. I'm 1/128th Native American and I'm fine with it
D. Why are you playing the race card?  That's racist against whites.
E. Obama's the real racist

Finally, the grab bag:

A. Chose any one of the above, even if it contradicts one of your other choices, and add it to your post.

Congratulations!  Now you're ready to troll Philly.com.

*Get it?  Grandfather clause?  I slay me.


Wise Bass said...


Interesting stuff. I'm not a baseball fan myself, so it's always curious to catch peaks into another universe of fandom and sports trollery.

Matt said...

I understand what you mean. I LOVE learning about trolling cultures in other parts of the Internet.